All of us need a second opinion. Let our relationship experts give you another angle of thought to your relationship queries.

Question: How does one react to a failed relationship, a friendship or a failed Marriage? Should we be friendly even after we break up? Can we really do that? Or do you agree with me that we should move on and not look back, burying it in the past? Or should you or would you take revenge? Revenge on the person who broke up with you? Or revenge on the system itself? Or revenge on oneself for getting into such a relationship or friendship or marriage?

Query by: Sudha Ramalingam, Noida

Answer: It is possible to be friends after a failed marriage or relationship. Some people are better at it than others in particular many with kids do often remain on reasonable terms. Most people however choose to no longer associate with them anymore. I do not think that revenge is ever the right answer no matter how tempting it is.

It think the end of a friendship usually implies no further contact as how can you remain friends with someone who is no longer your friend? You can I suppose be pleasant when you meet in larger circles but you are not going to be friends with them.

Question: After 6 yrs of marriage, my husband and I had a baby. I live in the US and my parents have come from India for my postpartum care. Problem is, my husband doesn’t show them the respect they deserve. It is not like he ill-treats them, but he just doesn’t speak to them at all, not even a word. He doesn’t even stay in the room that they are in. I have asked him many time to be nice to them until they are here (which is for few more months) but he says that this is all he can tolerate them and refuses to cooperate anything more. My husband is a loner and this is the first time (and probably last time) my parents have visited me. I love my parents to death and my husband’s unacceptable behavior has completely changed the way I feel about him. We had a beautiful married life before the baby. We were more like friends and now his behavior has completely changed my feelings about him. I feel really disappointed that he treats me well but disrespects my parents. I don’t even feel like talking to him or sharing my thoughts anymore. I would like to know if I am right in reacting this way. or should I forgive him (which I don’t feel like) and be a friendly wife like before. Query by: Anonymous

Answer: Having in-laws around can change EVERYTHING.

That’s why a lot of couples prefer not to live in joint family situations!

Let’s face it, you love your parents to death– so of course you would not be able to understand why anybody would have a hard time being around them. And we’d expect our husband to be mature enough to be polite even if he didn’t like them, right?

But I don’t think that’s your true problem– I think you’re insulted and upset that he doesn’t like them, period, because it sounds like he’s doing what he can to stay out of the way. If you get along with him well when your parents aren’t around, don’t hold this against him. Trust me. You’re the parents of a new baby, you need to be friends and happy and calm.

Maybe, for your husband, avoiding your parents is showing them all the respect he can. Grant it to him that maybe it IS just him, and don’t expect him to be something he’s not. You know, most people have a really hard time controlling themselves when they’re in the presence of people who rub them the wrong way– instead of changing his personality, your husband is just being his loner self.

Communicate to him that your feelings are hurt, but be compassionate towards him. Maybe he just wants to spend time alone with his wife and new baby.

Why don’t you just enjoy your time with your parents, attempt to show appreciation towards your husband and provide a quiet space in the home to him, and if your parents are insulted, don’t apologize for him. Just say, “He doesn’t mean to offend you. It’s just his personality. He is a very good husband and father.” You sticking up for him will be good all around.

I know you don’t feel like forgiving him, but would you forgive your parents if they treated your husband rudely? I bet you would…because you have a lifelong relationship with them. Now you are also bonded to him in the same way. Ask him if you can do anything to make the next few months more pleasant for him– would he like time alone with you? The baby? Take advantage of your parents– I hate to sound disrespectful, but you will not have such convenient babysitters for some time, so if you feel up to it, pump some milk to leave for baby and go out for some quality time with your husband, just a few hours one night, to talk in a space where you can remember why you love your baby’s father in the first place!

Best wishes.

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